I was looking forward to the long Holiday weekend. I had what I’d call average expectations. I just wanted to be productive around the house while still having enough time to recharge my batteries.
However, one thing anxiety (and other mental health disorders) has in common with young kids is that things don’t always go according to plan.
Anxiety got the best of me, and the more I think about it, the more irritated I get that 2 of my 4 days off were pretty miserable….and not just for me, my husband & daughter felt the wrath of my anxiety too. My anxiety comes out in different forms (which I’m sure is pretty common for those who also suffer), and boy, it did not disappoint this weekend.
My husband went to the market to shop for the week while I stayed home with my sweet pea which is part of our weekend routine. I was trying to get a hold of him so he could grab something while he was out at the market so I sent him a text. He didn’t respond, so I called him, and he didn’t answer. So, now I’m getting pretty annoyed. I sent another text and still no response… I know the texts are being delivered because we both have iPhones. Also, side note, his grocery list is on his phone so why isn’t he seeing my texts or calls? I called again and no answer. Now I’m hearing a helicopter nearby. And, here comes my anxiety!! My anxiety took my mind straight to the fact that my husband isn’t answering me, because he was in a car wreck and he’s dead. I am now rocking back and forth on the edge of the sofa trying to stay calm while my kid is playing with her Legos looking up at me like she knows mommy lost her shit! I text my husband again, this time I simply said “you’re starting to really upset me”. Did he answer me? Nope! I called one more time and that mother-effer finally answered. I immediately start to cry so now I have to explain to him where my mind went & the emotional rollercoaster I was just on for the last 15 minutes, and boy did he feel bad. Stupid anxiety!
I also had major OCD induced anxiety over my toddlers’ socks because they added just one more colored pattern to her overall outfit. In reality I know how dumb and silly that sounds, but in that moment, it sent me over the edge. Trying to explain it to my husband who desperately wanted to understand, only made my anxiety worse. I tried to explain it to him but I couldn’t…all it did was cause an “itch” in my head that I couldn’t scratch. The feeling I felt in that moment made me realize just how long I have been suffering from anxiety…as a teenager I felt this same “itch” and had no idea what it was. Pretty enlightening to say the least. I guess that was the only positive to this anxiety mess filled weekend. There was so much more but I wont torture you with the details. I had enough of my anxiety riddled mind, so, I pulled out my granddaddy purple, smoked and went to sleep.
This Holiday, I am thankful for the support of family and friends as I go through this journey.
I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving Holiday!